


Finding You

by Staubengel



Category: Black Panther (2018), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Canon Divergence - Black Panther (2018), Cousin Incest, Fix-It, M/M, Politics, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-10
Updated: 2018-06-13
Packaged: 2019-05-20 12:22:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 27
Words: 17,243
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14894565
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Staubengel/pseuds/Staubengel
Summary: Shuri was able to heal N'Jadaka's body, but N'Jadaka's spirit has already moved to the Ancestral Plane. T'Challa tries to visit his cousin there to talk to him and persuade him to come back. It's not as easy as he thought it would be, though.





	1. Are you sure you want to do this?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Galaxiaa7](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Galaxiaa7/gifts).



> Before I start posting this fic, I need to thank a billion people.  
> Mimi and Daan for creating this exchange and doing so much for this fandom. You guys are awesome <3  
> Gev for creating such a wonderful prompt for the exchange and for allowing me to combine it with one of my own prompts. I hope you'll like this fic! <3  
> Mariah, one of the kindest and most supportive people on earth, for beta-reading this fic in record time and helping me out so much with grammar, wording and sentence structures. What would I be without you <3  
> Shrii, who supported me so much with kind words and encouragements and made me feel self-conscious enough to even finish writing this fic and - even though they were flooded with real life stress - still offered to do a sensitivity reading!! <3  
> Favour, who did a record fast sensitivity reading of this fic for me on the same day that I asked her and helped me so much with suggestions and with nice and wonderful comments <3  
> And, last but not least, my lovely Danna, who was the first to read this fic in all its un-betad glory because I love her so much that I can't do anything without showing her and who roleplays the most wonderful stuff with me <3  
> Without all of you guys, this fic wouldn't exist, so thank you a thousand times for helping me out and supporting me!

It takes them a few days to grow the Heart-Shaped Herb back.

Of course, they have preserved seeds of it, and, of course, they have the technology to make it grow faster in a healthy way. Soon, the Garden of the Heart-Shaped Herb is glowing again in rich purple, and nothing reminds of the inferno that destroyed it at the hands of its former king.

T'Challa stands in the middle of it, looking around at the luminous flowers.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” Shuri asks beside him, and when T'Challa turns his head, he catches her worried glance. He smiles at her assuringly.

“Nothing can happen to me there, Shuri,” he promises her. “I just want to visit Baba and tell him that Wakanda is safe now.”

Shuri studies him with a hint of distrust. She knows him too well. She knows he doesn't just want to go there to visit their father.

T'Challa's smile widens.

“And even if I find N'Jadaka there, he will not be able to attack me.”

“Are you certain of that, brother? What if he kills your spirit? You might never be able to come back if he does so. You might be trapped in the Plane, just like he is.”

“He does not want to kill my spirit, and I doubt that would even be possible. Don't worry about me, Shuri. I will come back, and I will be in one piece.”

Shuri doesn't seem convinced yet, but she knows it's in vain to argue. She just sighs instead and shrugs her thin shoulders weakly. “Okay. Guess I'll get the shovel then.”

T'Challa's smile turns into a little chuckle.

He takes off his robe as the shaman approaches him with the drinking vessel.

The orange sand feels cool but soft underneath his broad back.

When he closes his eyes and lets himself be buried, he really hopes that his father is not the only person he will meet in the Ancestral Plane.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am always open to criticism, as long as it's not aggressively yelled at me in capslock.  
> Of course, I'm always open to incoherent praise in capslock, though :P  
> In short: Feedback of any kind is much appreciated ^-^


	2. The Ancestral Plane

T'Chaka welcomes him with doubt in his eyes. Maybe he still feels guilty about what T'Challa said to him the last time they met here. Maybe he is worried that N'Jadaka has defeated him for good. But T'Challa smiles in the same reassuring way he smiled at Shuri, and the spirit of his father seems to relax a little.

“ _Unyana wam_ ,” he greets him, and T'Challa's smile widens. “What has brought you here for the third time in such a short number of days?”

“I am here to tell you that Wakanda is safe now,” T'Challa says. “And not only that, it is also at peace. The Jabari tribe has abandoned their exile. All the tribes of our country are finally united.”

T'Chaka smiles, but it is a strange smile. He's not unhappy, but he's not happy, either. He has realised his son is going to strike a new path for Wakanda, and he knows he will not be able to change that. It's not his way and he doesn't approve of it. But he trusts his son enough to do it.

He places his hand on T'Challa's cheek and T'Challa leans into the touch, smiling.

Another figure appears next to T'Chaka. T'Challa is surprised but delighted as he recognises Zuri. He takes his father's hand from his face and squeezes it softly, and then walks past T'Chaka to greet Zuri accordingly.

“Zuri,” he then asks, “what are you doing here? You are not one of my ancestors.”

“You wished for me to be here,” Zuri replies. “So I appeared.”

T'Challa smiles again. Zuri doesn't smile back. He seems worried. He probably knows what T'Challa is here for, too.

T'Challa takes his arm and leads him away from his father a bit. Then he looks at him insistently, confirming the former shaman's worries.

“I am here to see N'Jadaka,” he whispers so that his father won't hear the conversation. “He was gravely injured in our final fight. We have healed him and his body is still with us, but his spirit refuses to come back to it. It must be here in the Ancestral Plane. How can I find him? He doesn't seem to be here with you.”

Zuri sighs deeply and avoids T'Challa's gaze. He shakes his head and grabs his staff tighter. He is unhappy with T'Challa's request, but he knows the new king well. He knows there is no sense in trying to talk him out of it, so finally he replies: “You are right, he is not here with us. His spirit has gone to another part of the Ancestral Plane. You need to find out which one and then you need to go there, too.”

“How do I find out which one?” T'Challa asks. “And how do I manage to go there myself?”

Zuri now meets his eyes again and looks at him pleadingly for a moment, but T'Challa's determination does not wither. Zuri sighs once more and places his hand on T'Challa's left shoulder.

“You need to learn about him as much as you can. Once you understand and know him well enough, you will be able to follow him to the place where he has gone.”

T'Challa wants to ask another question, but this is the moment he wakes up.

Orange sand cascades off him as he gasps for air and struggles to his feet, holding onto the shaman's outstretched hand to support his unsteady body.

He knows what he has to do now to find N'Jadaka's spirit.

After he has washed the sand away from his skin, he makes his way straight to Shuri's laboratory.

  
  


 


	3. All the things he doesn't know

N'Jadaka lies on a table in the middle of the laboratory, shielded by walls. It's the same table Agent Ross lay on just a couple of days ago.

His body is fully healed. T'Challa had taken him to the laboratory as soon as he collapsed on the ledge beneath the Panther. There, Shuri had taken over immediately, even though she had looked displeased. She didn't understand why T'Challa wanted to heal him. But she has done it anyway, because he is her brother and she loves and trusts him entirely.

Now, N'Jadaka is ready to live again, but he refuses. He should wake up, but he doesn't. It's clear to T'Challa that his spirit is in the Ancestral Plane. He wants to talk to him, tell him all the things he didn't have time for before N'Jadaka became unconscious. But he has to find him first. And he thinks he knows where to search now.

“Did you find him?” Shuri asks as she sees him. She stands beside him, close enough that their arms brush against each other.

T'Challa smiles and places his arm around his little sister.

“No,” he says. “He is in another place. But I know what to do to find him now. I just need to figure a few things out beforehand.”

Shuri stays quiet for a moment in which they both look at the living, yet lifeless, body lying in front of them.

“Why do you want him to come back so badly?” she finally asks him. “If he himself obviously doesn't want to?”

“Because he has left under false assumptions,” T'Challa replies. “If he still refuses to live after I am able to tell him everything that he missed, then I will, of course, accept his decision.”

Shuri grimaces as if she still doesn't get T'Challa's motives, but she leans against him and softly punches his chest.

“Alright then.” She sighs and pulls away from his embrace. “Tell me if you need anything for 'figuring a few things out.'”

T'Challa smiles at his sister's offer to help him when necessary, even if she herself does not support his plans or doings.

“Thank you,” he says. “But I only need a bit of information, I think I'll be able to do that on my own.”

Shuri snorts mockingly. “You wouldn't even know how to change your own password on your private account,” she claims.

T'Challa raises his brows in amusement and looks after her as she goes, full well knowing she has playfully insulted him and is probably grinning from one ear to another.

“Get out, I hacked into computers before you even were born,” he calls.

“ _You_ get out, you're in _my lab_ , dinosaur,” she calls back.

T'Challa chuckles and shakes his head at his sister.

Then he leaves her alone again to go to his room and grab a computer screen.

 


	4. Inner Parts

T'Challa is not as good as Shuri when it comes to science and technology, but he is better than most at it. He knows how to hack into a system, even the one of the US Government.

It's not hard to find Erik Stevens.

He downloads anything about him he can find.

He also opens all the files Wakanda has about his uncle, N'Jobu. About his War Dog assignment and the identity he took on in America.

With all this information combined, he can reconstruct almost all of N'Jadaka's life before he came here.

At least the outer parts of it.

It's the inner parts though that matter to him in his current mission.

He finds out where he lived with his father when he was still a child. He finds out where he lived afterwards, after T'Chaka killed N'Jobu. It still leaves a pang of guilt and regret in his chest when he thinks of it. When he lost his father, he was already a grown man. N'Jadaka was only a nine-year-old child.

He remembers how hard it was for Shuri to lose T'Chaka, and she is 16, and still has T'Challa and their mother. He has to imagine how she would have felt had she been younger and alone and it had been her holding T'Chaka's body, not T'Challa. It's an unbearable thought for him. He understands how much N'Jadaka must have suffered.

He finds another address, the latest one. The one N'Jadaka lived at shortly before he came to Wakanda. All of his belongings must have been there, assuming he did not take them with him on his way here.

But T'Challa is not the only one with information about N'Jadaka. The apartment has probably already been confiscated.

It seems to be time to talk to an old friend.

 


	5. What's left of you

He takes Shuri with him to the US. She's excited to finally leave Wakanda. He doesn't tell her why exactly they are going there yet. Only that he needs to meet up with Ross, and that they need to make a detour to Oakland.

But first, they are visiting the East Coast.

Agent Ross already awaits T'Challa in Virginia. It's not only the headquarters of the CIA, but also of the Navy SEALs, which T'Challa finds a great coincidence. It's also the state right next to North Carolina, the home of the JSOC and location of N'Jadaka's last known address.

T'Challa hates diplomacy, but he knows that it's necessary to get what you want sometimes.

When he and Agent Ross are alone, he tells him what he hopes to find here. Ross seems surprised at that.

“You're right,” he says, “we _did_ confiscate all of Erik Stevens's belongings. What do you need them for? I thought he was dead.”

“He is,” T'Challa replies, and he only half lies with this. “But he was a prince of Wakanda, and his father was my father's brother. And as much as I respect and honour my father and what he has done for Wakanda, I think that it's time to go a different way than him. What happened to N'Jadaka and what it did to him opened my eyes. I want to learn everything I can about his past to not repeat Wakanda's mistakes. And also, he might still own some of N'Jobu's old belongings. I think they should go to Wakanda. I think it's time for both of them to finally return home.”

Ross studies him for a long moment, his eyebrows knitted together critically. He knows T'Challa by now, knows he does what he wants anyway and this is just a nice way of asking for it, which gives Ross the possibility to stay on his good side. He has also seen N'Jadaka and Wakanda, and he has a different view on things now. N'Jadaka's goods are of no use to the US. But they hold personal value for T'Challa.

“I'll see that all of the things we have from him are loaded onto your jet,” he promises. “It's not much, but I hope you will find something useful in there.”

T'Challa smiles and places his hand on Ross's shoulder. “Thank you,” he says. “I promise if I find anything of interest for the CIA in there, you will be the first to know it.”

 


	6. Ghosts and Shadows

A day later, Shuri and T'Challa stand in front of a row of old buildings that are soon to be torn down according to a sign on the cold, grey concrete walls. A wire-mesh fence in front of the apartment complex is supposed to keep unwanted guests at distance.

Shuri doesn't seem much impressed by them. Until T'Challa tells her that N'Jobu has been murdered here, and that he thinks that N'Jadaka's spirit is still heavily attached to this place.

He asks Shuri to excuse him for a while and she's happy to talk to the kids who play basketball in front of the fence instead. She probably wouldn't have liked to go inside these buildings. It's better that she stays here and won't have to look at the scene of the crime their father committed here all these years ago.

T'Challa squeezes through a gap in the fence and walks towards the buildings. They are locked, but he has no trouble getting inside.

It's flat1401. T'Challa opens it carefully and takes a step inside. He wonders how often little N'Jadaka made the exact same movements and how he must have felt stepping back into his home. And how he must have felt finding his father murdered on the floor of their living room.

The apartment is empty now. There's no furniture or anything left in it. T'Challa looks around and tries to imagine how it might have looked back when N'Jobu and N'Jadaka lived here.

He walks around slowly. This must have been the living room. A part of the wall is a bit askew, where N'Jobu must have hidden the weapons. T'Challa checks, but there is nothing left in the hidden shelves behind the fake wall. There's the kitchen, with nothing but a few connections in the tiles left to tell of its erstwhile functions. And maybe this was N'Jadaka's old room...?

T'Challa feels close to N'Jadaka here. This is where he grew up. This is where he found his dead father. This is where the monster Erik Killmonger began to form.

He closes his eyes and tries to feel him. And yes, he is sure that this is where N'Jadaka's spirit would return to. The home he has known with his beloved father. The place where his tiny world had still been safe and wholesome.

“The world has taken everything away from me,” he said to T'Challa. “Everything I ever loved.”

He loved his father. This is the place he connects with him. This is where he will be, for certain.

T'Challa opens his eyes again. He crosses his arms into a W in front of his chest. “ _I-Bast ibe nawe_ ,” he whispers. Then he leaves the apartment again. It is time to return to what _he_ calls home now.

 


	7. Another World

T'Challa spends the flight back to Wakanda going through N'Jadaka's things. They're not much. Especially nothing personal. N'Jadaka doesn't have much left of the person that he once has been.

But there is one item that is basically pulsing with meaning, and as T'Challa holds it, he feels a sting in his heart that tells him he has finally found what he has been searching for. It is a book, and it is written in both English and Xhosa; a diary N'Jobu kept about his War Dog mission and his plans to use vibranium to help oppressed people all over the world. It contains stories and descriptions about Wakanda. T'Challa can see little N'Jadaka going through it, trying to let the letters paint pictures of things and sights he has never seen in front of his eyes.

T'Challa opens it at the first page and begins to read.

It's like diving into another world.

N'Jobu has described everything. From his first days in America until the day T'Chaka must have murdered him. How he arrived in Oakland and got this little apartment. How he learned to adjust to the new lifestyle there. How different America is from Wakanda. How different his people are treated there...

The descriptions T'Challa reads leave cold pricks inside of his heart. He has never thought that N'Jadaka or N'Jobu had been lying about the state of the world, about the injustice that their people have to suffer. But reading about it in N'Jobu's book, reading about the things he himself has seen and witnessed, chills all of his insides.

It shocks him what people can do to other humans based simply on their skin colour. It shocks him how cruel and hateful a society can be. And, most of all, it shocks him how innocent children are suffering under this sickening oppression that makes it so much harder for them to grow up happy.

N'Jobu grew up in Wakanda. A society so completely different from the one he experienced later. He knew how things _could_ be, he knew how to change them. He saw and felt the injustice every single day and he wanted to fix it. T'Challa can't blame him for becoming a radical. He doesn't know what he himself would have done had someone dropped _him_ in a world like this. Had he had a son to raise in a world like this...

N'Jadaka was supposed to have it better. To grow up in a world that is like Wakanda. N'Jobu chose the wrong way to get there, but T'Challa understands his motives.

He thinks of Nakia and her will to help people. Her plea to open up Wakanda, to use their strength and power, their resources, to do whatever they can to aid those who need it. If Wakanda had done this earlier, Erik Killmonger wouldn't have existed. So many lives, similar to N'Jadaka's, would have been different. Would have been saved, maybe...

T'Challa activates his Kimoyo Beads and places a call over them.

Shuri, who has fallen asleep beside him, stirs and rubs her eyes, woken up by his talking.

“Brother?” she asks, somnolent. “Who are you talking to?”

“Ssssh. To some people in Oakland,” he replies and strokes her hair with a loving smile. “How would you like to oversee the science department of an Outreach Center?”

 


	8. What would it take?

The ring is cool and smooth underneath T'Challa's fingers. It is a familiar feel, yet startlingly strange. He remembers how odd it had felt to take his father's ring from him and wear it on his own digit. He hadn't been used to it and had always noticed it pressing softly around his ring finger. Ever since then, it reminds him of his dead father. He's only been wearing it for a couple of days. It has become familiar by now, but it's still a strange feeling. And with _this_ ring, it is even stranger.

It looks exactly like his father's, but it somehow still feels different. Carefully, T'Challa takes N'Jadaka's hand to remove the ring from his finger.

His hand is cool, but not completely cold. It feels heavy in T'Challa's own. T'Challa pauses for a moment and takes in the feeling.

Right before the end, N'Jadaka didn't hate him anymore. Maybe he never hated him in the first place. He just wanted his throne. He would have killed anyone, no matter who had sat upon it.

But in the last moments of his life, even in the last moments before he was gravely injured, N'Jadaka opened up to T'Challa. He showed him his vulnerability. His loss and his pain. And then he talked about his father. About the stories of Wakanda little N'Jadaka believed to be fairy tales. About the sunsets he had always dreamed to see. After all their fighting, he had suddenly become approachable towards him. And yet, still, they never touched in a way that was not fighting.

Now N'Jadaka's hand calmly rests in T'Challa's own. It's strange to hold it like this. And yet it feels right somehow, too. What would it take for N'Jadaka to give him his hand like this willingly? What would he say if he woke up now, noticing T'Challa holding his hand?

T'Challa catches himself running his thumb over N'Jadaka's knuckles.

He softly places his hand on the table again and closes his own fingers around the cool ring.

“We'll see each other soon,” he says and gives N'Jadaka's hand one last stroke. “I hope so, at least.”

Then he takes the ring and leaves. He still has some more reading to do before he will try to go to the Ancestral Plane again.

 


	9. A second try

Three days later, Shuri and T'Challa stand in the Garden of the Heart-Shaped Herb again. T'Challa is tired. He has barely slept because he has spent his free time reading about N'Jadaka. He couldn't neglect his duties as a king for that. But he also couldn't not read it.

Now they are here once more and he tries not to be nervous. What if he fails again? He doesn't know what else he could do to get himself closer to N'Jadaka.

He has read everything that he has found about his younger cousin. All the reports. All the confirmations. All the forms and files and info. Everything any data bank has had, be it officially or off the record.

But nothing of that has shown him N'Jadaka's inside. The few moments he has spent talking to N'Jadaka have revealed more to T'Challa than any of the files he read. He is driven by vengeance against T'Chaka. But primarily, he is driven by a deep and burning strife for justice. When it comes down to it, N'Jadaka wants to save people. His methods are questionable, but he's guided by a good cause.

His thumb runs along N'Jadaka's ring. He wears it on his own finger now, on the opposite hand on which he wears T'Chaka's. It's telling that both T'Challa and N'Jadaka took the rings from their fathers to wear them and keep their loved ones close to them. Now T'Challa wears it to have N'Jadaka close to him. He silently prays to Bast that it will work.

Shuri startles him out of his thoughts by placing her hand on his lower arm. He turns his head and smiles at her reassuringly.

“I'm alright,” he claims and settles his hand over hers on his forearm.

“What if this time you'll find him?” Shuri asks, sounding concerned.

T'Challa knows that Shuri is afraid N'Jadaka will hurt him. Or that something will happen to T'Challa in this part of the Ancestral Plane. T'Challa can't say that he blames her. He is certain that N'Jadaka won't attack him, but he's not sure what would happen if he tried.

“It's going to be okay,” he promises. “You weren't there in N'Jadaka's last moments. We're fine.”

Shuri pulls a grimace that T'Challa reads as a mixture of “Yeah, sure” and “Are you kidding me?” But she doesn't say anything and simply shrugs, stepping away as the shaman approaches them.

“Good luck, brother,” she murmurs as T'Challa takes off his robe and shirt and accepts the vessel with the Heart-Shaped Herb. He smiles at her again as he lays down in the orange sand.

Then he closes his eyes and slowly drifts away into the Ancestral Plane while the sand covers him like a thick blanket.

 


	10. N'Jadaka

He wakes up in his usual surroundings of the Ancestral Plane. But something is different.

Instead of a tree full of panthers or another sign of his ancestors, there is the vision of a room rising up a couple of feet away from him. It's like two pictures being placed next to each other with their edges aligning perfectly. Like an invisible border that cuts through two scenes. On one side is T'Challa's vision. On the other side is the room. They're touching but not overlapping. They are very clearly separated from each other.

T'Challa slowly walks towards the border.

The room that he is looking into is the apartment in Oakland he visited a few days ago. The living room of N'Jadaka's flat. Someone is sitting cross-legged on the sofa in the middle of it. T'Challa immediately knows that it's N'Jadaka. His hair is still braided back like it is in the real world, too. But he is not wearing the Golden Jaguar suit any longer. He is wearing black training pants and a grey hoodie instead.

He stares straight ahead as if he is watching something stationary. T'Challa slowly comes closer towards him, until he is only one step away from the border that separates their visions. He doesn't know if N'Jadaka notices him. If he does, he shows no sign whatsoever of it yet.

T'Challa watches him for a moment. Then he opens his mouth to say something, but at the exact same moment, N'Jadaka talks.

“What took you so long, cuz?” he asks. He's still not looking at T'Challa. But he must be able to see him, or he wouldn't realise that he is here. “I been sure you'd show up here eventually. What's wrong? Missing me too much already?”

“Why did you think I'd come to you?” T'Challa asks back. It makes him happy to see N'Jadaka. It feels now like he is not really gone.

N'Jadaka snorts. “You're that kinda guy,” he claims and picks at his sleeve. “Can't just let things slide. Always have to exercise anything right to the fucking end. Lemme guess, you wanna talk to me again about my motives? How I was wrong doing what I did? How it's no wonder that I failed cause I got it all wrong?”

T'Challa furrows his brow a little. N'Jadaka's tone is not hateful or angry. It's calm, but accusing. He wants to take the wind out of T'Challa's sails by making his arguments invalid before he has even uttered them. But he doesn't immediately send him away. He seems not to be averse to T'Challa actually being here.

“No,” T'Challa says and watches N'Jadaka wring his hands restlessly. N'Jadaka is always moving. T'Challa has never seen him hold still.

“What then? You wanna talk things out between us? How your daddy wasn't that bad and I need to find a way to forgive him? You can forget that, bro. That ain't gonna work.”

T'Challa considers his next words. Things between them have smoothed out, have gone from “I have trained my entire life to kill you” to “Helluva move,” from blind rage and hatred to quietly watching N'Jadaka's first sunset.

T'Challa realises that he is probably the first and only person N'Jadaka could ever talk to. No one except for Klaue knew about the real Wakanda, but N'Jadaka hadn't told him anything about his true identity or about his plans to become Wakanda's next king. So no one knew about this part of him, until he came to Wakanda.

Here, he told everyone about T'Chaka's deeds, but that was only to condemn T'Chaka, not to tell anyone about his own pain. T'Challa can't imagine he has told anyone else about his deep hurt. T'Challa is the only one who knows it.

Maybe that is all N'Jadaka really needs. Someone to listen to him. Someone who understands him. Someone who takes him seriously.

“My father was wrong,” he says, and this time N'Jadaka raises his head to look at him, his mouth slightly open, his brows knitted together a little. “I am not here to defend any of his deeds.”

N'Jadaka seems to think for a moment. Maybe he ponders whether to believe T'Challa or not. Or maybe he considers what to accuse him of next.

He doesn't say anything for quite a long while. T'Challa assumes he finally wants to hear what he's here for, so he continues to speak.

“I went to the US,” he tells N'Jadaka. “I asked Agent Ross to give me the belongings they collected out of your apartment. I saw the diary your father wrote. And I read it.”

N'Jadaka's lips press together and his brow furrows further. T'Challa isn't sure whether he is angry or just interested in a severe manner.

“I also went to Oakland,” he goes on. “I didn't stay there long enough to witness what N'Jobu described, but I believe every word that he wrote. I wanted to see the place you grew up in. I hoped it would help me understand you better.”

N'Jadaka snorts again and his face relaxes. “Understand me better, huh,” he scoffs. “What for? You wanna continue my mission now? Is that what you're here for? You wanna ask me about it?”

Once again, T'Challa negates his question. “No,” he says and shakes his head. “I don't want to continue your mission. At least not the way you went about it. But you were right about people needing our help. Wakanda will no longer watch from the shadows.”

Now N'Jadaka really seems interested. His chin rises and he straightens up on the sofa, but his expression is cold and even somewhat arrogant.

“Yeah? So whatcha gonna do?” he asks. “If you don't wanna give people the power to fight back, how you gonna change their lives?”

“Violence is not the right way,” T'Challa insists. “We will help in other ways. Resources. Technology. Knowledge. Social aid. Violence is just going to cause more violence.”

N'Jadaka snorts once more and leans back. His left arm is thrown over the backrest and he smirks lopsidedly in a derogative way. T'Challa frowns a bit, expecting him to say something unpleasant.

“So it's for your conscience, really,” he concludes, and runs his index finger along the underside of his nose with a sniffing sound. “You don't want blood on your hands, so you keep it simple. Donate some money to a good cause and hope they'll do the work so you can claim you've done something to help them. I'll tell you what, King T'Challa: Building those kids a community center _ain't_ gonna help them. What do you wanna do, huh? Help with their homework? Build a soup kitchen? Provide them with computers so they can read online about the history their teachers are keeping from them?”

Suddenly, his demeanour changes and he leans forward in a powerful motion, his face twisting as he yells at T'Challa.

“That's _bullshit!”_ he exclaims loudly. “What the fuck is that gonna do for anybody! You give them _one_ good grade, you give them _one_ warm meal, but that ain't gonna change the society they live in! They still gonna be shot for walking down the street at night! They still gonna have to work triple to get the basic recognition a white man gets for not doing _shit!_ You wanna change their lives? Get rid of the people who turn it to hell!”

T'Challa looks at him and studies his features. They are expectant, as if he wants T'Challa to realise he is right, or waits for T'Challa to say something he can then deconstruct again.

N'Jadaka has lived the life T'Challa wants to prevent other kids from having. He knows more about it than T'Challa ever will.

He wants to say something, but he feels an eddy sucking him in. He's waking up from his trance, he's going back to the land of the living.

“You ain't no better than your daddy when you're letting people die you could save instead!” he hears N'Jadaka call as he leaves the Plane. “You ain't helping them until you let them help themselves!”

Gasping for air, T'Challa rises from the sand bed. The sound of N'Jadaka's voice still echoes in his head. It's not just the usual procedure of waking up that makes him dizzy for a moment, but also the deep-seated feeling that he has failed in his attempt to make N'Jadaka come back.

 


	11. Change

N'Jadaka's words stay with him for quite a long while after their meeting. And, despite T'Challa's greatest efforts, he cannot find a way to appease them.

He meets up with Nakia the following day because he feels like she is the right person to help him now. Nakia has always advocated Wakanda's ways to change and to do more to help people, ever since she herself has been out on her War Dog and spy missions. T'Challa values her experiences and thoughts in this a lot. Where N'Jadaka is struggling with vengeance and hatred, Nakia is driven by a positive force. For the first time since he's known her, T'Challa really, truly listens to her and her suggestions to change the world.

She is excited about the Outreach Center. T'Challa loves the way her face lights up and she begins to shower him with ideas and proposals, most of which sound as if she has already thought about them thoroughly more than once in the past. He offers her to lead the social outreach because he trusts her to do it better than anyone. She is just as happy about it as Shuri has been when he offered the technological division to her. With those two women at the front of this project, T'Challa is convinced the Center will, in fact, help many people.

Still, N'Jadaka's comments gnaw at his thoughts and drill aching holes inside of his mind.

“But I feel like Wakanda can do more,” T'Challa muses as they sit on a cliff in the sun, overlooking the flourishing land below them. He is worrying a blade of grass between his fingers. They always come here when one of them has something on their mind. “Not only that, like it _has_ to do more. We have so much more to provide, we shouldn't keep it to ourselves. We should share what we have with the world so it can catch up with us.”

He knows that Nakia is with him in this. She always was, far ahead of T'Challa. She's not the kind of person to say “I told you so.” It's not even in her demeanour. She is calm and factual, like she always is. T'Challa, despite not being in love with her any longer, still feels immensely drawn to her personality.

“How do you mean?” she asks. That is all she says. She lets T'Challa come to her instead of dragging him somewhere he doesn't want to go himself.

T'Challa thinks of N'Jadaka's words again. What he said about taking away people's oppression. Maybe it's not only the lives of the oppressed that T'Challa needs to change, but the lives of their oppressors, too.

“Wakanda could show the world what it's capable of and what it has,” he starts slowly. “It can make people change their views, it can make them change their behaviour. When the world sees what Wakanda is doing, how it will help people, it will put things into a new perspective.”

He is vaguely aware as he says this how much influence N'Jadaka suddenly has on him. How much his fate and also his words are affecting T'Challa's decisions. He feels responsible for righting all the wrongs Wakanda has done in the past, for becoming the king Wakanda should already have had before him. N'Jadaka impersonates these wrongs somehow, and so he wants to do right by him.

But no matter how often T'Challa ends up concluding this as the cause of his actions, he is not quite satisfied with this explanation. He feels like there is yet something else behind his motives.

Nakia is quiet beside him. She knows him too well. She has always been able to read his soul, she knows where his sudden change of opinion comes from without him ever having told her about his last moments together with N'Jadaka. She knows he is the one blowing from the direction T'Challa's sails have set to. But she doesn't mention it and T'Challa is thankful for that.

“If you want to open Wakanda up to the world,” she finally says, “you have to be aware of all the consequences that this brings with it. It is one thing to open up an Outreach Center. It is another thing to start engaging politically and to officially tell everybody about what we are. And about the vibranium.”

T'Challa nods slightly. He remembers his own words from only a handful of days ago: “I'm not king of all people, I am king of Wakanda. And it is my responsibility to make sure our people are safe and that the vibranium doesn't fall into the hands of a person like you.” He believed those words himself, deeply. Now he has a different view on them.

“I know there will be consequences I won't like,” he admits. “But I can no longer live with the consequences that keeping Wakanda hidden from the world is entailing.”

He flicks the blade of grass into the abyss beneath them. It trundles downwards, quickly moving out of sight.

Nakia looks at him from the side and studies his features for a moment. Then she places her hand on his arm and the warm touch sends a wave of reassurance through T'Challa.

“Whatever you decide, I will be with you,” she promises softly.

T'Challa turns his head and smiles at her. “ _Ndiyabulela_ ,” he says and makes her smile at him as well. “ _Ndiyabulela,_ Nakia.”

 


	12. Opening up Wakanda

Opening their nation to the rest of the world is dangerous and not everyone welcomes it. It is something Wakanda has refused to pursue ever since it came into existence. It makes Wakanda and its people vulnerable; it makes Wakanda responsible for the rest of the world.

To say Wakanda stayed hidden for so long because they didn't want to share what they have or felt like it was too much trouble to interfere would be unfair. Wakanda could easily have become the world's biggest and strongest empire, just like N'Jadaka was planning it. They didn't. Instead, they decided on a peaceful life, decided not to engage with the world and to let it develop on its own. There have been horrible things happening because of this, yes. But to prevent them, Wakanda would have had to become something it dreaded.

Now, though, there might be different ways to help than war.

The Council especially is critical about T'Challa's intention because they fear the outside world will attack or take advantage of Wakanda. But Nakia and Shuri fight for his cause, and, surprisingly, even Okoye supports him in his decision. Seeing W'Kabi side with N'Jadaka up to a point where he was even willing to kill T'Challa and other Wakandans has changed the head of the Dora Milaje. The two of them were always close, just like T'Challa and Nakia are. But now, it seems, he has lost her trust in him.

His mother fears this option, and so do the other elders. But T'Challa no longer wants to rule out of fear. He wants to build bridges and to do what he can to help people. He wants to – and maybe he doesn't fully admit that to himself, but it is there – create a world in which N'Jadaka would like to be alive again. A world in which Erik Killmonger wouldn't have come into existence.

It's a long discussion over several days. M'Baku stays quite passive in it, but T'Challa can't say if it's not to anger the elders or not to anger _him._ In the end, he manages to convince his mother it is the right thing to do for everybody. With her, Shuri, Nakia and Okoye on his side, the others begrudgingly back down from their resistance. They do not support him in his decision. But T'Challa is their king and he will rule Wakanda the way he thinks is right.

A week after he has met N'Jadaka in the Ancestral Plane, T'Challa's decision to reveal Wakanda to the outside world is definitely settled. Tomorrow, he will request a meeting of the United Nations in Vienna to officially make the announcement. Until then, he has to think about, and prepare, all his stances on international politics and his official statements towards certain issues. The world will want to interact with Wakanda now. T'Challa will have to be ready to face them.

 


	13. More of your words

It's already night time. T'Challa is sitting in his bed, looking at a screen that is showing him some data about the current Wakandan resource status. But T'Challa is not reading it. His mind is wandering off to somewhere else entirely.

He wants to talk to N'Jadaka again.

Before he has to face the UN, he wants to hear his thoughts once more. He wants to ask him a few questions. Wants to hear his standpoint on a few issues.

It's weird that he is thinking of N'Jadaka rather than his father. Maybe because he knows his father's standpoints quite well. And maybe because he knows his father will try to talk him out of it all.

So will N'Jadaka, probably, if he's honest. He is sure that this is not what N'Jadaka would have wanted, that granting everything Wakanda has to the entire rest of the world, including oppressors and colonisers, is far from what N'Jadaka would approve of. But he feels like it is the right way for him to go. He won't go down N'Jadaka's path of destruction and of splitting this already furrowed world even further. No, it's on him to make sure that this time, everyone is treated the right way and that Wakanda's technology and resources help people instead of oppressing them.

Still, N'Jadaka's views interest him immensely. T'Chaka and T'Challa see things in a similar way, but take away other conclusions from it. N'Jadaka, however, sees the world entirely differently from T'Challa himself. He is skilled and very intelligent. T'Challa wants to know what he thinks of the decision T'Challa has made based on his words to him.

He closes his eyes and massages the root of his nose. It's late. He should be sleeping. Not wanting to be yelled at by his half-dead cousin again.

He takes another glance at the screen and the graphics, info and numbers there. Then his eyes wander to the time display. It's a quarter past midnight. He really should get this over with and sleep a bit before he has to get up again in the morning.

He watches the _00:14_ turn into a _00:15_.

He sighs and puts the screen away.

Then he gets up and puts on some clothes.

It's no use if he doesn't go now. He won't get some sleep before he does this anyway.

 


	14. Another visit

There is always someone taking care of the garden of the Heart-Shaped Herb. It's not so much a night watch as rather a form of paying respect to the flowers, making sure they are tended to at all times of the day.

The two women are surprised to see him here in the middle of the night. T'Challa smiles at them and explains his request. He wants to consult the Ancestors before the decision he made is irrevocable and final. It's not a lie per se, it's just not the detailed truth. There's only one person T'Challa wants to meet with. And he is not really to be considered an Ancestor.

It's very unusual that a king is regularly visiting the Ancestral Plane like this. Usually, this is only done once, when he is given the Heart-Shaped Herb for the first time to gain the powers of the Black Panther. But it is not forbidden and it is T'Challa's only way to get in contact with N'Jadaka. At least until he decides to come back. Which T'Challa still hopes will happen someday.

The two women help him despite their confusion. One of them wants to get the Head Shaman, but T'Challa convinces her that this won't be necessary. Both of the women are consecrated shamans and this is not a ritual. There's no need to wake up the poor woman in the middle of the night.

One of them hands T'Challa the pestled herb-juice and then they both bury him under the sand.

T'Challa is nervous as he feels the herb benumb his senses and drag him away to the Ancestral Plane. If N'Jadaka reacts too heavily to the news he has, he might definitely cut off any chances of him ever coming back to the land of the living. That is the last thing that T'Challa wants. And yet he still wants to go and tell him about it. He just hopes that he won't lose the thin thread of a connection that has seemed to build up between them by pulling too hard and desperately on it.

 


	15. What do you want?

N'Jadaka eyes him suspiciously as he arrives.

Again, the living room of his flat aligns with T'Challa's steppe, like someone cut through both of these worlds and then joined them together at the section.

“Don't you have a kingdom to run?” N'Jadaka asks when T'Challa is close enough and stands in front of the line where their two visions meet.

“I do, actually,” T'Challa admits.

“Whatcha keep coming back to this place for, then? Can't live without me anymore after meeting me twice?”

T'Challa studies him quietly. He is dressed all in black this time and wears his dreads lose, falling over the right side of his head. He definitely is a beautiful man, T'Challa thinks.

“I wanted to talk to you,” he finally says. “I want to hear your thoughts on something.”

N'Jadaka raises his brows in incredulous disbelief. He looks sarcastic doing this, as if he is sure T'Challa misspoke. He is right to think that, of course. Why would T'Challa come to the Ancestral Plane to ask _N'Jadaka_ about his thoughts?

“Okay, sure. Your outfit sucks. Might wanna try something less outdated. Ain't there some real fashion stores around the city? I mean, everything looks good in black, but those sandals? Seriously?”

The corners of T'Challa's mouth curl up in a bemused little smile. N'Jadaka is making fun of him. That's a good sign. He wouldn't do that if he hated him or if he was truly enraged about him.

“If I remember correctly,” he replies with the typical tone of an older sibling who has had to deal with his sister's bullying for years, “you wore my clothes when I came back from the dead.”

N'Jadaka shrugs. He's a good actor. His composure is serious, but T'Challa knows he is still playing their mocking-game.

“Didn't bring much clothes with me,” he explains. “Why you think I didn't wear a shirt? The ones in your wardrobe were positively hideous, man.”

T'Challa chuckles.

This. This is what he wants. Joking N'Jadaka. Light-hearted N'Jadaka. This is what's beneath the turmoil, beneath the anger and the hatred, and what T'Challa hopes N'Jadaka can be when he returns to the living world.

He sits down cross-legged on the grass and looks up at the man on the sofa. He doesn't dare to try and enter the flat yet. It's N'Jadaka's place, not his. He won't trespass without an invitation.

“I'm here because I need your help,” he says. He would love to keep on chatting with N'Jadaka, but his cousin is too smart for that. He knows T'Challa came here with a purpose and he won't trust his small-talk until he knows what it is. “I thought about what you said, and I want to act upon it. Not with inflicting a war on the rest of the world, you must know this is not the way I'm going.”

N'Jadaka snorts. T'Challa continues unperturbed.

“But you are right in that building Outreach Centers cannot be the extent of our help. Wakanda must become visible, not hide away our help undercover.”

N'Jadaka studies him with a deep frown on his face. He leans forward and rests his elbows on his thighs, his hands dangling between his open knees.

“So what now? You gonna plaster Wakanda's name on top of the Center so everyone knows it's run by your nation?”

“Yes, if you want to say it like that. I will call for a meeting of the United Nations. Wakanda will reveal itself to the rest of the world. With everything that we have. And with everything that we are.”

N'Jadaka studies him again for a while, his eyes narrowing. When he speaks, he speaks very calmly and slowly.

“You mean you wanna show the world what Africa can do?” he asks. “What black people are capable of? They don't wanna know that. That's why they're keeping us oppressed. This is not gonna free us, this is gonna make them hate us even harder. It's gonna make them want to take everything Wakanda has for themselves. That's what they do. They just take what they want. They gonna take the vibranium too. And none of it is gonna help any oppressed people. You're just adding another thing to the world that's gonna fall victim to the social hierarchy; that only white, rich people are gonna be able to afford.”

T'Challa considers this for a moment. “Wakanda will personally see to it that every nation will profit from us,” he then promises. “We are going to build more Help – and Outreach Centers. Everywhere. Medical Centers and Hospitals. Schools. We will not sell the vibranium directly. We cannot risk people building weapons of mass destruction out of it or misusing our technology similarly. We have lived without the outside world for centuries, we don't need them to survive, we're not going to be dependent on relations with anyone. It gives us the power to negotiate our terms. No one is going to exploit Wakanda or the vibranium.”

N'Jadaka groans in frustration and grabs one of the sofa cushions to throw it right at T'Challa's face. T'Challa's enhanced reflexes react and catch it, but he is still stunned by this heavy reaction.

“Do me a favour and let someone beat the pixie dust out of your brain, man!” N'Jadaka exclaims and kicks the coffee table in front of him. “You been hid away in your fairy tale too long! Not everyone is such a hopeless, disgusting, sweet little goodie-goodie like you are! There are _thousands_ of people like Klaue out there! And you weren't even able to get that _one_ guy under control!”

“Then what would you have me do?” T'Challa asks. He's placed the cushion inside of his lap, like a token from N'Jadaka's world. “Look what happened to Wakanda when we kept it hidden. Look what it did to your father and yourself. Is that the right price to pay for it all? Is convenience more important than helping other people?”

N'Jadaka narrows his eyes and stares at him.

“Don't blame me for shit you gonna do, T'Challa,” he warns him. “Don't use me as an excuse for your actions.”

“You're not an excuse,” T'Challa appeases him. “All of these actions are my very own decision. But you and your words are what opened my eyes. You showed me I don't want to become like my father.”

N'Jadaka snorts. “You know I didn't tell you any of the shit you're doing,” he claims. “You know what I would do with Wakanda's powers. And it ain't nothing like your vanilla kindergarten bullshit.”

“I will not start a war on other nations,” T'Challa makes clear once more. “That is out of the question.”

“Then what do you want from me?” N'Jadaka asks. “You know my view on things. I can't help you if you refuse to listen.”

“I do not refuse to listen. I built the Outreach Center because you showed me Wakanda needs to help. I will open Wakanda to the outside world because I want Wakanda to be an example of how someone with power should treat their fellow human beings. I may not go down the path you want me to go, but I am using your words in the way I think is best.”

“So what do you want, huh? Should I pat you on the back or something so you're proud of yourself? Give you my blessing? Is that the help you want from me, T'Challa?”

T'Challa shakes his head slowly. “I want you to understand,” he states calmly, “that this is your only way of still making an impact on the world. You are dead, N'Jadaka. You can either sit here and wonder what is happening to Wakanda, or you can occasionally kick my ass so I will keep going in the right direction.”

N'Jadaka frowns at him and T'Challa can see his jaws clenching and unclenching several times. Then, suddenly, he smirks widely and leans back on the sofa. “King T'Challa! I didn't know you could curse!” he teases.

T'Challa smirks too and passes the cushion back to him with a powerful throw. “I can do many things you didn't know of,” he claims.

N'Jadaka grins wider and his gaze gets somewhat challenging, lurking, as he lowers his head a little. “Prove it,” he demands.

T'Challa's vision turns black. The next moment, he wakes up buried under the sand, and this time, he feels a lot better about his trip to the Ancestral Plane.

 


	16. No turning back

The meeting with the UN is _satisfying_. In so many ways.

T'Challa must admit that it put a big, gloating smile on his face when someone asked him what Wakanda could offer to the rest of the world. And he would lie were he to say he didn't revel in the faces of the entire gathering when he revealed to them what it is. It took several minutes for all of them to calm down again.

But the most fulfilling thing was to tell the entire world what Wakanda plans to do with its power. With its resources. Its technology. That it will reach out and help, that it will build bridges, not walls. It is a drastic step Wakanda will never be able to undo again. The world knows them now and there is no turning back after that.

But it was also hard in some ways to do this. To stand here where his father stood before Zemo's attack killed him. To remember how he held his dead body in his arms, cradled him, cried for him...

The ring weighs especially heavy on his right hand today. T'Challa catches himself playing with it during the break.

Many representatives of the other countries are furious about Wakanda's lie that they have maintained for several centuries now. They are angry that Wakanda didn't come forward earlier, didn't share what they have with the world sooner. T'Challa understands them. He takes their anger calmly, but seriously. He can't change what Wakanda has done in the past, he can only see to it that it will change now.

Most people are quite simply confused, though. They do not know how to handle such a huge new player in international relations. They are afraid of what Wakanda might do, what it might demand, who it might side with. Many nations request immediate statements and commitments from T'Challa. He is prepared for that. But it's still a hard job to try and handle the entire world at once.

He wishes N'Jadaka would be here. He has such a direct way of talking, he doesn't mince his words. He would tell T'Challa straight and clear what he should do and what he shouldn't. And he would have such a lot to say about Wakanda's possible international relations.

T'Challa is good at diplomacy. He hates it, but he's good at it. He also knows a lot about politics. His father has trained him well and he is a smart man on his own.

But N'Jadaka has a different view on things. He has lived a different life. He has experienced things T'Challa has only read about. He has seen things T'Challa has only ever heard. T'Challa becomes painfully aware that he feels a bit lost without N'Jadaka's advice. He doesn't know why, because so far, N'Jadaka hasn't even told him anything helpful yet. Still, T'Challa has changed because of him and he feels like he needs N'Jadaka to pull this change through 100%.

Sure, he has Nakia. She shares a lot of N'Jadaka's beliefs and she is far more rational, diplomatic and positive than he is. T'Challa values her immensely and will definitely keep her close by his side, falling back on her advice when he needs it.

But N'Jadaka... Maybe it's that other thing T'Challa suspects is standing behind his motives, that other thing that gives N'Jadaka so much power over him. Nothing reasonable, but something emotional...

T'Challa has prepared his statements. He knows where Wakanda will stand politically, which positions it will represent, which announcements it will make. He will not go too far ahead at this meeting, he will only clarify the basics. Before he goes any further than this, he needs to work a few things out.

As he looks in all those faces, looks at all the raised hands, hears all the questions, demands and declarations, he suddenly feels the urge to go home again. No matter what he has prepared, no matter how competently he manages the situation, he won't go another step without talking to N'Jadaka first. He wants to run all his plans by him before he makes them official. First by Nakia, then by him, then by the rest of the Wakandan council.

He's not afraid he can't handle all this political business alone. But he is afraid of making decisions without hearing all the options.

 


	17. Worth it in the end

The meeting takes more than a day, but T'Challa is prepared for that. After he revealed Wakanda's secrets on the first day and answered some of the questions that came rolling in, there was a long break in which most of the representatives called their governments, their councils, maybe even just their families to receive their reaction and input on this. After that, they all came together again for another round of questions, some statements and a few concerns. T'Challa listened to all of it and gave some answers, but then they all agreed they'd rather meet again the next day, so that everyone had more time to prepare.

The next day, T'Challa has to face them all anew. Again, he answers their questions, tells them about statistics, numbers, circumstances concerning Wakanda, gives them some statements, asks some questions in return. The topics he has not prepared a final answer for yet, he postpones, promises to make announcements to that at another time. He is smart enough not to let himself get pressured into something. These decisions are too important to rush. He will take them all down and give answers to them at a press conference when he's ready for it.

The night in between, T'Challa has a long talk with the three ladies who accompany him. Ayo is rather quiet, but Nakia and Okoye have a lot to say. As always, Okoye is pretty sarcastic and annoyed by the outside world, while Nakia sees everything in a very empathic kind of way. More than once, T'Challa has to smile because of the both of them.

He is also thankful for Agent Ross being present and on his side. It's good to know that at least one foreign country is already supporting him and Wakanda, even though Ross cannot help him much.

When they finally fly back, T'Challa feels very tired. He has made a huge and important step with this, but there is still so much left to do. And he knows that the hardest part has just begun. Until the rest of the world has dealt with the news, until Wakanda has made all its statements, until everybody knows how to rank it, where it stands, what it does, it will be a lot of careful maneuvering and striking a balance. A lot of diplomacy. But T'Challa knows it has to be done.

All the hard work will be worth it in the end and it will help so many people. That is why, when he finally falls asleep in his bed in Wakanda, there is a little, satisfied smile playing in the corners of his mouth.

 


	18. What I am missing

There are countless reports coming in during the next couple of days. T'Challa can't even watch them all. Pretty much every nation in the whole wide world sends in messages, requests, questions and inquiries. T'Challa's days stretch from dusk 'til dawn and are still not long enough to handle it all.

He publishes something for the press to assure that he is working on things and will soon hold an official press conference where he will give more information on what Wakanda is planning to do exactly, who they are, what their agenda is. He could only give so much away at the UN meeting already. He has some concrete projects in mind, but some of them require more research, more consultations, more planning. Where exactly can they build all their facilities? What will they look like? Will they buy old buildings or build new ones? Who will work there? How can they train their staff? How much will it all cost? What should the equipment be like?

And on top of that come the political questions that keep flooding in from the other nations. Who will even allow Wakanda to build up facilities there? Who might contribute something? Who actively asks them for help, maybe even tells them exactly what they need? Who wants what from Wakanda? It's like a beehive buzzing inside T'Challa's head.

During this time, T'Challa notices how useless the Council is when it comes to international politics. They simply have no knowledge about the outside world. Nakia is the only one of them who has ever been outside Wakanda for real, and she alone can't possibly handle all of this either. T'Challa has several conversations with Wakanda's other War Dogs to get information from them and also give them some research missions. It helps him to get an overview of the basic conditions he has to deal with, about what the country could use, about where they could start their outreach, about programs that are already running there, about systems and regulations that could become a problem for Wakanda's mission, about what the government and the people think about this mission anyway. It's helpful and gives him something to work with. But it's still not the same as having a counselor.

Nakia, Ramonda, Shuri and Okoye are the most useful members of his current Council. T'Challa's mother has a lot of experience and even though she is still rather reversed about Wakanda's new path, she is helping T'Challa in every way she can. Okoye is harsh as always, but T'Challa needs this to stay aware of the dangers that Wakanda is facing, being exposed like this. Okoye never tires of reminding him what negative effects his decisions could have on their home. She doesn't do so viciously, she does so in her function as a protector of Wakanda. Nakia is the open and eager one who can't have things start early enough. If she had her way, the first school, Outreach - and Medical Center would already be up and running somehow. And Shuri is the smart, young, and excited new generation who has a different mind, a different attitude than any of the others who grew up in another Wakanda.

And still, still, T'Challa misses N'Jadaka's input. Misses his blunt, direct ways. Misses _him_ a little, maybe...

He isn't surprised as he finds himself wandering down to the Garden of the Heart-Shaped Herb one day, following this persistent urge.

“Prove it,” N'Jadaka has said to him last time T'Challa saw him. T'Challa wonders if he did so.

As he closes his eyes and feels the sand pressing down on his skin, an excitement rises in his chest that might have been concerning had he time to wonder where it stems from.

 


	19. What you are missing

“Ah, look at that, the king is here,” N'Jadaka calls as T'Challa wakes up in the Ancestral Plane. “Next time you come here, bring me some coffee.”

T'Challa chuckles as he comes towards him, shaking his head. He doesn't notice how today, the line between their visions is blurred. There is grass growing on the carpet of the living room. There's a shelf standing on the ground of the steppe. T'Challa doesn't realise it. He is solely focused on the man on the sofa.

“You can't eat or drink here,” he says and stops a few feet away from the coffee table. “And you shouldn't feel the need to do so.”

“Didn't say I did.” N'Jadaka shrugs. “Just missing the taste of it.”

“What else do you miss?” T'Challa asks.

N'Jadaka eyes him for quite a while, as if pondering how far he should go with T'Challa. Then he just sighs and stretches out on the sofa.

“Everything,” he admits and looks away from T'Challa.

T'Challa studies him quietly. _Then come back with me_ , he wants to say. _You don't have to stay here._ But he doesn't. It's too early. N'Jadaka doesn't trust him enough yet to not lock him up, to not take away his freedom. And he isn't stable enough yet to not try and take over Wakanda again. It will take a bit more between them to figure this out.

“So, what did you fuck up this time?” N'Jadaka asks casually and turns his gaze on T'Challa again. “You wanna tell me something again, don't you? What is it?”

T'Challa sits down and places his hands in his lap. He feels strange standing when N'Jadaka is lounging on his sofa. He wants to show him he's comfortable. He wants to show he sees them on the same level.

“The UN meeting took place,” he tells N'Jadaka who glances down at him from where he lies outstretched on the sofa, playing with the cord at the front of his hooded sweater jacket.

“How'd it go?” he asks, half-sneering, half-amused.

“Ah, well,” T'Challa says and weighs his head to the side, acting like he ponders, “it's like bringing the best toy to a children's party. Some of them suddenly want to be your best friend and others are jealous and hate you forever.”

N'Jadaka snorts – a sound he often makes when talking to T'Challa.

“As if the prince of Wakanda has ever been to other children's parties,” he scoffs.

“Eeeh, I was a very popular child,” T'Challa claims, joking.

“Yeah, 'course you was.” N'Jadaka grins, obviously mocking him. His lips curl up in the most beautiful smirk when he does so. He has such soft features when they are not twisted in anger and hatred.

T'Challa smiles, but returns back to seriousness. He doesn't have forever, after all. Soon, he will return to the world of the living and will leave N'Jadaka behind in the Ancestral Plane again.

“All of the nations demand statements in their favour from us,” he explains. “They don't know us, so they're on their toes. Some of them want to ally with us, others are already hostile because they fear we will become a threat to them. There are so many things we have to explain, so many questions we have to answer. It's hard to find the perfect words to satisfy everybody without making anyone upset.”

N'Jadaka grunts and nods and stretches his arms over his head lazily. “Well, yeah, that's politics for you,” he states. “You can't possibly be surprised by that.”

“I'm not,” confirms T'Challa. “It's the same with inner politics, only in a greater scheme. There are more players and more standpoints. More concerns. It's harder.”

N'Jadaka nods. He waits for the real question, the real reason why T'Challa is here. He knows it's not just to whine at N'Jadaka because of the huge amount of stress he suddenly has to handle right now.

“We have to find out how we can work together with them to reach our goal of helping as much as we can with our resources,” T'Challa says. “What to do. What not to do. How to engage. I have already contacted all of our War Dogs to get basic information, but there are many facts to consider and many decisions to make. I could use somebody to help me with that. Especially with decisions I don't feel equipped to make completely on my own.”

“Ah, you want my valued advice on things cause the little king has no idea how things work outside Wakanda,” N'Jadaka sums it up rather uncouthly.

“I want to make sure I don't make a mistake that could be prevented by getting your input.”

“No worries, I'll save your ass,” N'Jadaka announces and turns so he can face T'Challa directly now. “It'd be a shame to see Wakanda go up in flames because of your incompetence.”

T'Challa only smiles slightly. This is N'Jadaka's chance to shine and they both know it. And they also both know he won't ever let a chance like this pass, especially not if he can drag T'Challa in the process.

 


	20. A little better. A little stronger.

One visit is not enough for all the issues that come up during their discussion. T'Challa comes back several times to talk them all over with N'Jadaka.

It's a drag he has to go through this all the time, but there is only one way to visit the Ancestral Plane, and it's a sacred procedure that T'Challa already stretches to its limits by performing it so often on himself. The shamans don't say anything, but T'Challa knows it. They have started growing more of the Heart-Shaped Herb, too.

In the next couple of days, T'Challa spends a lot of time in the Ancestral Plane, going back and forth between the heaps of incoming reports and requests, and the advice that N'Jadaka gives him on them. Sometimes, N'Jadaka asks him something T'Challa doesn't know, and then it's T'Challa's task to do research on it for his next visit. Not all of the advice is useful, sometimes they disagree. But a lot of it at least makes T'Challa think about options he hasn't considered, or makes his thoughts wander in a direction he wouldn't have gone to on his own.

Shuri, Nakia, Okoye and Ramonda grow concerned about his frequent consultations with his dead, radical cousin. He understands why. It _is_ kind of weird to go to him that often, to make _him_ the one he seeks advice from. The man who almost destroyed Wakanda, who killed Zuri and slit the throat of a Dora Milaje. Okoye still takes that action personally, even though they took care of the woman.

But they all haven't been there when N'Jadaka looked at him like that on the train tracks. With tears in his eyes, talking about his father and his childhood. Wheezing beside him in pain, watching his first Wakandan sunset under the giant panther statue. Speaking to him quietly, openly, about the things that shaped his life and powered his passion. They haven't seen the N'Jadaka behind all the Killmonger.

T'Challa often thinks back to this moment. It makes him see through all the times N'Jadaka grows angry at him when they argue, when he yells at him, swears at him, once even kicks over the coffee table. It makes him endure all his rage and his frustration, all the times he calls T'Challa names. Because T'Challa knows that all of this anger is there because N'Jadaka is caring, because he wants to change the world, and because it makes him feel help– and powerless to not be able to make T'Challa understand. With every outburst, with every scream, T'Challa feels like understanding N'Jadaka a little better and deeper. And every time he does so, the grip N'Jadaka has on him seems to grow a good deal stronger.

 


	21. Next to you

It's about the third or fourth visit within two days' time when N'Jadaka finally has enough of T'Challa sitting down on the ground in front of the coffee table.

“Will you move your ass over here, king?” he demands and pats the cushion beside him. “It's becoming annoying to try and talk to you when you're sitting five feet away from me. Come on. I swear I don't smell like no zombie.”

“Have you ever smelled a zombie?” T'Challa asks as he gets up from the floor. By now, it is hard to tell where the carpet ends and the steppe begins. Trees are growing outside the living room windows. T'Challa sits down on the sofa, beside N'Jadaka, and he can't stop smiling.

From then on, he always sits next to N'Jadaka when they're talking. Side by side on the sofa in his flat, only a few inches away from each other, sometimes parts of their bodies are touching when they sit right.

No matter how often they argue, how often they engage in a heated discussion about something, N'Jadaka always lets T'Challa sit down on the sofa when he comes back. Sometimes he has a snide comment about their last meeting in store for him, sometimes he throws the sofa cushion in his direction when he arrives, but always, always, they sit next to each other, like equals, talking about a kingdom that they now both belong to.

 


	22. Maybe you could be there

“We through now?” N'Jadaka asks after about their seventh meeting. He's lounging on his back, his legs thrown over T'Challa's lap, head on the armrest, his arm draped over his forehead, eyes closed.

“I think so,” T'Challa confirms and tries to ignore the way N'Jadaka's free hand runs up and down the zipper of his training jacket. “I will prepare the press conference now and then I hope I can satisfy everyone's inquiries. The first wave of it, anyway. I'm sure there'll be new ones incoming after that.”

“You need to make it clear to them you're the one in charge, man. Don't let them think you'll handle all their bullshit all the time, or they'll never stop asking stuff from you.”

“They just want to find out who Wakanda is and what it will do,” T'Challa explains. “After a while, they will adjust to us.”

N'Jadaka snorts and rubs his left eye. “Yeah, sure,” he says. “You really grew up in Rainbow Goodtown, didn't you, princelet?”

“Where did you grow up then? Sarcasm City?”

“Wow. Your humour is beyond horrible, bro,” N'Jadaka informs him and peeks up at him from where his head lies bedded on the armrest. Then he sits up, his dreadlocks falling over his face with the motion, and suddenly his face is so much closer to T'Challa's.

“Thank you,” he says, trying to take his eyes off the other man's features and failing. “Shuri got all the humour in this family.”

“Obviously,” N'Jadaka smirks.

Then he sighs and leans against the backrest.

“Man, I would love to see you get all flustered up there on the podium during the press conference,” he hums. “When they ask you questions you haven't prepared for.”

“No questions. I will only give my statements,” T'Challa tells him.

“I would hide in the last row and throw a tomato at you. Or some rotten eggs.”

“Thank you. That is very thoughtful.”

“What can I say, I'm a real gentleman.”

They look at each other for a moment. T'Challa feels his heart beating in his chest even though it's not really there at the moment.

 _Maybe you can actually be there_ , he wants to say and grab N'Jadaka's hand. _If you only decide to wake up, you can come with me. You can throw whatever you want at me, then._

But he doesn't. Instead, he only says, “I'll be back soon,” with a smile as the familiar feel of the Living World dragging at his body sets in and tells him that it is time to go now.

“Remember the coffee,” N'Jadaka demands.

Then T'Challa wakes up, his hair full of sand, and he leans heavily against the Head Shaman beside him, who quietly holds him until he has recovered.

 


	23. A man who...

Nakia and Okoye confront him the next evening, when T'Challa is preparing the final draft of the press conference announcement. They are worried. Concerned. About both him and what N'Jadaka will indirectly do to their beloved Wakanda. They still see him as the enemy.

“He is influencing you too much, T'Challa,” Nakia claims. “Why are you visiting him so often? You have your Council here. People who actually live in Wakanda. You should consult them more often than an outsider who tried to kill you and take over your throne.”

“You are right, the Council lives in Wakanda. But that is exactly why I cannot talk to them,” T'Challa makes clear to her. “They do not know anything about the outside world. They were against opening Wakanda up in the first place. They are hardly any help to me, you know that as well as I do.”

“They will grow unhappy if you keep ignoring them,” Okoye points out. “They are your advisors, you can't leave them out of all your decisions.”

“I'm not leaving them out, I am just not asking them about everything that is going on,” T'Challa states. “You know they cannot help me, you've seen them. They don't even know where most of the countries who correspond with us are located. How can they help me decide how to act towards them?”

Okoye grimaces.

“I will run my final decisions by them,” T'Challa promises. “But I cannot listen to them discussing issues they really have no idea about. We don't have the time for this. I need useful input.”

“And you're getting that from a man who threw you down a waterfall?!” Okoye goes off.

“A man who was trying to make Wakanda do something,” T'Challa claims.

“A man who wanted to start a war,” Nakia says quietly.

T'Challa looks at her. Her pleading eyes. Her worried features.

He sighs lowly and outstretches his hands. Both women look at them for a moment before they place their own hands in his palms, letting him squeeze them gently.

“I promise you I will not let N'Jadaka make me do anything rash or foolish. I value his advice because he is the only one here who did not grow up in Wakanda. Who really knows what the outside world needs. He is crass, yes. But you are there to balance him out. I do not only rely on him, I also rely on your voice of reason, on the War Dogs in the countries in question, on my own sense and instinct. He is only one factor, but a factor I do not want to miss. His doings, his fate, are what caused me to want and make all this happen. I cannot ignore him now that we're doing this. But I swear to you, I am not blindly listening to everything he has to say to me. Bast be my witness.”

Nakia looks at him even more intently now. But he holds her gaze and, after a moment, she withers.

“Alright,” she sighs. “I know you love him. I just hope your instincts are right in this.”

Okoye just stares with a furrowed brow, but she doesn't try to argue anymore. T'Challa wouldn't have been able to answer her, anyway. Nakia's words have knocked him right off the ground.

She squeezes his hand once more and then lets go with a tiny smile before she heads for the exit. Okoye stares at him for a moment longer, meaningfully, before she too lets go and follows Nakia. T'Challa looks after them with big eyes and a thudding heart.

_I know that you love him._

What kind of love does she mean by that?

It takes T'Challa a good while to realise that by wondering about the meaning of her words, it becomes clear what kind of love he actually feels for N'Jadaka. Because otherwise, he wouldn't even think about their intention so much.

 


	24. Love

The entire time until the press conference, and even minutes before he begins to speak, T'Challa is troubled by how selfish he was towards N'Jadaka.

He could have offered for him to come back already. He could have allowed him to be here, or at least watch him from a screen somewhere. But he didn't. Because he didn't want N'Jadaka to just come back for an event like this one.

Because what would happen after the press conference? Would N'Jadaka still want to stay? He wants him to come back for something bigger, something permanent, lasting. He wants N'Jadaka to be happy again in life. But who is _he_ to choose when it's time to offer for N'Jadaka to come back again? He should tell him and let N'Jadaka choose for himself when, and if, he wants to wake up or not.

He gets distracted when it becomes time to read his statements. He does it from Wakanda. It is broadcast to the entire rest of the world, to everyone who is interested in it.

What he reads has been run by Nakia, N'Jadaka, and the Wakandan Council. It's the best version T'Challa was able to come up with, all of their input combined (with a different weighting, though). He is satisfied with it. The next days or even just hours will show if the world agrees with his perception.

After he has said everything there is to say, T'Challa takes a cold shower. Then he waits for the reports and reactions of the other nations to roll in.

He doesn't have to wait for long.

While he sits in his chair and eats, he watches video after video and reads statement after statement. He's aware he will have to meet up with the UN again soon, or at least representatives of other countries to have negotiations, sign necessary contracts, make up some agreements. There is so much left to do before Wakanda can really begin to help. But at least the Outreach Center in Oakland is a safe project – partly thanks to Ross and his relations – so no matter what the rest of the world will do, this one thing is definitely happening. And the people they can help with this are already worth so much.

As he watches and mentally makes a list of all the things he will have to take care of next, he realises he doesn't want to do this all without N'Jadaka by his side. His actual side. In the world of the living.

It was exhausting to go back and forth between the Planes like that, and he can't go there all the time, not with every question he would like to ask N'Jadaka. He wants him close, he wants him there every time he needs him. And he needs him constantly, he feels...

His chest seems to contract as he thinks of him.

By now, he is sure that Nakia meant love in a very platonic sense, like T'Challa loves her or Okoye or Shuri. But for T'Challa, it's clear now that it's more than just that. This longing, this need... He hasn't felt that for a very long time.

Is he loving N'Jadaka? Maybe not yet. Is he _in_ love with him? Oh, he certainly is.

It is time to go back to the Ancestral Plane and finally tell N'Jadaka that he can come back if he wants to. That his body is functional, that he only has to wake up again if he wishes to do so. If he rejects the offer, then T'Challa cannot help it. Then he has to respect his cousin's wishes. But if he does... Oh, if he does...

T'Challa takes a long walk through the rural parts outside the city to clear his head. He doesn't know how to address the issue to N'Jadaka. How does he tell him that he can come back if he wants to? How does he admit to him that he hasn't told him yet because he feared N'Jadaka would say no? Or wasn't ready yet to make his way back?

He could lie to him, but he doesn't want to. His body has been functional since the day he collapsed, Shuri and the medics were able to fix him within a few hours' time. It wouldn't be right to tell him otherwise. It was T'Challa's decision to not tell him about it sooner, and T'Challa has to take responsibility for it.

He decides to sleep on it, because rushing things would probably lead to imprudent decisions. The last days have been beyond exhausting, and knowing that there are already new reports and questions coming in is not helping give T'Challa some rest.

He had thought he would be more troubled, but he falls asleep quite easily. Maybe that is a sign of how tired he actually has been and how necessary sleep has been for him.

The next day, heaps of new messages are waiting for him, but T'Challa postpones reading them 'til later. He wants to talk to N'Jadaka first.

He is less nervous now and a bit more focused. If N'Jadaka says no, he can still go and visit him, given he lets him. And if not, it doesn't mean that N'Jadaka won't change his mind one day and will come back to the Living World after all. This is just about him letting N'Jadaka know. And he should have done that a long time ago already.

 


	25. The reasons why

Before he goes to the Garden of the Heart-Shaped Herb, though, he stops by Shuri's lab to visit N'Jadaka's body. He is still lying on the table. Nothing shows that he is still alive, apart from the very soft heaving of his chest and the displays constantly checking his vitals. T'Challa watches him quietly for a while.

It is weird seeing him here now, after he has seen him so many times in the Ancestral Plane as well. Where he is talking and moving and being himself. It's hard to imagine he is there right now when he sees him lying here lifeless like this.

Shuri, of course, notices him being there. She joins him, standing by his side, but she rather watches T'Challa than the comatose N'Jadaka.

“You haven't told him yet, have you,” she concludes. “You haven't let him know that we saved his body and are keeping it alive.”

T'Challa shakes his head slightly. “No,” he admits. “Not yet.”

“Why not?” Shuri asks. She looks concerned, as if she worries about T'Challa's well-being. Maybe she is not so far off by doing so.

“I was afraid. He seemed too upset, it wouldn't have been a good idea to tell him yet.”

Shuri nods softly. “And now he is better?” she wants to know. It sounds doubtful. Of course, it does. The last thing Shuri has seen of N'Jadaka was him charging to stab her to death.

T'Challa nods. “He was able to help me, to do something,” he says. “He has achieved something. That is doing him good.”

“What if he decides to try and achieve even more when he comes back to life?” Shuri points out. “If he tries to kill you again and take over the throne?”

T'Challa shakes his head at this. “He won't do that,” he claims. “He is a smart man. He knows he won't be able to pull that off. Wakanda won't follow him anymore after they saw what he has done, and the outside world knows of Wakanda now. Everyone would turn on him immediately. His best chance to change the world is to work together with me, and he knows that.”

Shuri looks doubtful. T'Challa smiles and gently pinches her cheek, which makes her snort, but also smile as well.

“ _Ungakhathazeki,_ _udade o mncinane_ ,” he says. “And even _if_ he tries to turn on us again, we're all against one this time, and we are prepared.”

“I hope I won't have to say 'I told you so,' brother,” Shuri quips and pokes T'Challa's stomach.

T'Challa grins and obviously aims to catch her nose between his knuckles, which makes her laugh and jump away from him.

“I'll find a way to make it your fault!” he calls as she leaves.

“You're my older brother, I can blame _everything_ on you!” she calls back.

T'Challa smiles wider and watches her until she is out of sight. Then he turns his head back to N'Jadaka and studies him one last time.

“See you in a minute,” he mumbles.

Then he leaves and makes his way to the Garden of the Heart-Shaped Herb to face the other part of N'Jadaka. The part who is living and will be able to talk back to him.

 


	26. Carrying you with me

The shamans greet him respectfully, but T'Challa can tell that some of them are unhappy to see him here again already. There are no rules against using the Heart-Shaped Herb as often as you want to, but it's not common; especially not when you use it to visit the man who killed the former Head Shaman and then threatened his successor so she would burn the Heart-Shaped Herb.

T'Challa quietly thanks them with a nod as they bring him the juice and drinks it. It tastes rich and spicy, but also a bit sweet.

The taste turns into a feeling and settles heavily on his eyes and mind. It lulls him into a trance, pulls him out of his body, and transports him into the Ancestral Plane.

N'Jadaka is waiting for him on the sofa again. T'Challa can't help but smile as he sees him.

N'Jadaka smirks back at him. It's a warm smirk, T'Challa can tell by now. A sarcastic welcome, happiness to see him hidden behind a mask of sass. T'Challa is the only living person N'Jadaka has contact with, and he is completely dependent on T'Challa and when the king decides to visit him. He would never say so, but he is thankful every time T'Challa shows up.

“'Sup, king?” he asks, still smirking widely. He has sprawled all over the sofa and he doesn't move his legs, full well knowing that T'Challa always sits down next to him and will now have to deal with N'Jadaka's legs in his place. “Got roasted during the press conference? Got a shitstorm on Twitter? Need to ask me how to make yourself popular again with the masses? Maybe merchandising would be a good plan. Sell some panther plushies, people love that.”

“I don't have any issues today,” T'Challa says and squeezes himself on the sofa cushion between N'Jadaka's outstretched legs. “I simply wanted to talk to you.”

N'Jadaka eyes him mindfully. His smirk withers, probably uncertain what to think of that statement. He doesn't seem sure what T'Challa means, if he has something on his mind or just wants to chat about whatever.

“Missing me, huh?” he finally guesses and rearranges one foot so that it presses against T'Challa's leg uncomfortably. “Can't even fix your toothbrush without my advice anymore?”

T'Challa only smiles and shoves his own leg underneath N'Jadaka's to have it more comfortable. He feels the body of the other man against his own. Touching, finally, without a hostile intent behind it, just like T'challa wished it to be a couple of weeks ago in the lab. It's extremely intimate to sit tangled like this now, T'Challa feels.

“The press conference went well,” he tells N'Jadaka, casually resting his hand on his cousin's right foot. “But yes, there are a lot of new things incoming now. I haven't gone through all of them yet.”

“But you ain't here to talk to me about them?”

“No. Not directly, at least.”

“Ah. And here I thought, for once, you'd come just for my company.”

N'Jadaka's face looks challenging now. As if he expects T'Challa to tell him how pleasant his company is and how much he enjoys it, even without getting political input from him.

T'Challa has to smile because of how well this fits his actual intentions. If N'Jadaka knew what he came here to ask for, he couldn't have gone for a better introduction.

“Actually, I am here because I want your company all the time,” he admits and gently runs his hand over N'Jadaka's ankle. It strokes over bare skin. T'Challa feels N'Jadaka shudder.

The Golden Jaguar raises his brows in a manner of displeased disbelief, as if T'Challa is obviously talking nonsense.

“I want you by my side every day,” T'Challa continues. “Not only when I come here, but constantly. I still want to ask your advice, I can't do all this without you. But the truth is, I don't want to do _anything_ without you any longer. I want you with me, no matter what I do. Be it political projects or just for having you complain about my daily fashion choices. I miss you whenever I leave. I want you to come back with me to the land of the living.”

Now N'Jadaka simply frowns. He looks upset, like T'Challa's words have hurt him.

“Don't fuck with me, T'Challa,” he growls. “Don't tell me Wakanda ain't out to get me. Don't tell me your mom and sis and your bald watchdogs ain't demanding that you punish me good. And I told you before I won't let you lock me up.”

“I will not lock you up,” T'challa says calmly and increases the pressure on N'Jadaka's ankle to soothe him. “I would never have locked you up. That's something _you_ claimed.”

“Of course I did!” N'Jadaka snaps. “I'm no idiot, I know you can't let me go unpunished, you're the king, man!”

“And you're my cousin and my valued advisor. You can make up for your deeds by offering your help, and you already did so. If you work with me and Wakanda, no one will demand that I punish you for anything.”

N'Jadaka snorts. “So as long as I'm your pet, I'm tolerated, but as soon as I speak my mind and people decide they don't like it, I'm done for.”

“No. You're a free citizen of Wakanda. You only get into trouble if you break any rules, just like anyone else does.”

N'Jadaka snorts again and bares his teeth.

“I trust you,” T'Challa says. “Now how much do you trust me?”

This question seems to get N'Jadaka. Because in the end, this is what it comes down to. He has to trust T'Challa not to lock him up. He has to trust him that the rest of Wakanda is not after N'Jadaka and doesn't wish to see him punished. He has to trust him that he will really be free, that he will not be watched all the time because they distrust him, that he will really be allowed to have an influence. And T'Challa feels like N'Jadaka isn't good at trusting other people. Not after he has been let down by practically everyone.

T'Challa watches him in silence as he works his jaw and clenches and unclenches his fists.

“So you saved my body, I assume,” he finally states dryly. “And you're only telling me now cause you trust me so much.”

“I am only telling you now because I was afraid you would refuse,” T'Challa replies with a low sigh. “I am sorry. I should have told you earlier.”

“Damn right, you should have! Don't tell me to trust you if you ain't trusting me!”

“You wanted to die when we had last met,” T'Challa explains. “And you seemed angry at me when I came to visit you here because I hadn't done enough yet. I thought I had to create a world in which you would like to be alive again before I could ask you to please come back with me. And that's what I worked on this past few weeks.”

“Oh, shut it and stop making excuses!”

“It's not an excuse, it is just an explanation. I really am sorry, N'Jadaka.”

“Fuck you!”

T'Challa takes a deep breath. That is what he has been afraid of. That he has screwed things up by not telling N'Jadaka about this option immediately.

“I'm sorry,” he repeats calmly. “I know I should have told you right away, but I was afraid you would refuse me. I am not perfect, I do make mistakes.”

“Yeah, I know,” N'Jadaka scoffs. “That's what you came to me in the past few days for.”

T'Challa nods slightly. “Please,” he says. “I am sorry. I would not have come here all these times if I didn't trust you. I would not have come here in the first place if I didn't truly want you back.”

He places his second hand on N'Jadaka's ankle too, holding onto it with a nonverbal plea. N'Jadaka's eyes wander down to them and his forehead wrinkles heavily.

“You're wearing my ring,” he notices. The cool metal against his skin must have made him aware of that fact.

T'Challa looks down at his own hands, one ring on each ring finger. On the right hand, the one of his father. On the left hand, the one of N'Jadaka.

“Yes,” he mumbles. “I feel like you're with me when I'm wearing it.”

He feels N'Jadaka's gaze on him. It's piercing, sharp and analysing. T'Challa realises that he is right, that he has been wearing this ring all this time to feel N'Jadaka close to him, right from the beginning, when he grabbed it. The moment he took N'Jadaka to see the sunset he wanted him with him, the moment he saved his body. He doesn't want to let him go, he wants to be with him, forever, constantly.

He looks up and their gazes meet. T'Challa can see all the uncertainty in N'Jadaka's eyes, the doubt and the insecurity, the fear of trusting T'Challa and being let down, the fear of giving in and then losing again. He can see the anger of having been lied to, the anger of having been trapped here when he could have gone and shaped the world together with T'Challa first hand. He sees Erik and he sees Killmonger and he sees N'Jadaka, and everything that he sees shoots straight to his heart and lights it up in fire.

Something ripples through him and softly tugs at his insides. The Living World is calling him back. Too soon, too quickly this time. T'Challa doesn't want to go.

Before he can vanish completely, he dashes forward and kisses N'Jadaka on the lips. It's short, only lasts for maybe two seconds, but it feels like T'Challa's entire body explodes. The soft warmth of N'Jadaka's lips floods through him like a wave, spreads into the very last fibres of his being, and fulfills him with a feeling he has never felt before.

When he wakes up this time, he sits up and then bends over, curving inwards and clutching his stomach, panting. He has been ripped away from something and it hurts.

Before he is able to even fully breathe again, T'Challa has made it to his feet and is hurrying over to Shuri's laboratory.

 


	27. We ain't through with this yet

He stumbles and skids to a halt next to the table with N'Jadaka's body on it.

“T'Challa, what's wrong!” Shuri calls and immediately comes over to him. “What happened! Are you alright?”

T'Challa doesn't answer. Panting, he supports himself with his hands on the table and stares at N'Jadaka's motionless figure. He is not moving. Nothing has changed since T'Challa last saw him.

“T'Challa, are you alright?” Shuri repeats and gently places her hand on his arm. She sounds concerned. T'Challa takes a few deep breaths to calm his racing heart and nods slightly.

“Yes... Yes, I'm alright... I'm alright, don't worry...” _I just thought he might wake up now..._

He straightens up, his heartbeat slowly going down again. It was foolish of him to assume N'Jadaka would come back already. He is angry with T'Challa for having kept the truth from him too long.

He turns to Shuri who still watches him attentively, obviously worried about his behaviour. He's still not wearing a shirt and he's barefooted. The floor of the lab feels cold beneath his naked soles.

“It's alright,” he assures her and smiles softly, placing his hand on the one of his sister. “I'm okay. I just thought something might happen, and I –“

With a loud wheezing sound, N'Jadaka's body jerks up on the table. T'Challa and Shuri both jump back, shocked by the sudden movement. T'Challa instinctively has pulled his sister behind him and she stays there, peering out from behind his back, surprised. T'Challa himself is too baffled to react right away as well.

N'Jadaka pants heavily and stares down at himself, at his body, which has been clad in simple, black clothes, his healed chest, and then his hands. Then he looks up and stares at T'Challa, his eyes wide, his face twisted with emotions. For a moment, he looks like a predator, surprised to see his prey in front of him.

“If you think you can get away with this bullshit, you're _dead_ wrong, man!” he growls with a hoarse voice that sounds rusty from not having been used for so long. 

Then he darts forward and grabs T'Challa's head between his hands, ruggedly pulling him towards himself. Their lips crash together almost painfully, but T'Challa doesn't care in the slightest. He wraps his arms around N'Jadaka's sides and holds him, supports him as he slips off the table unsteadily and slumps against his front.

“I'mma beat your ass up as soon as I'm stable,” N'Jadaka mumbles against his mouth and T'Challa feels his fingernails digging into the skin of his head. “Don't think we're through now just cause I suck face with you.”

“I'd never dare,” T'Challa breathes back before N'Jadaka seals his mouth again with his own, hungry, wild and messy.

He hears Shuri whine a: “Brother! Bast, not in front of my eyes!” from behind him, but he doesn't care about that. All he cares about is the warm, firm reality of N'Jadaka's body against his own, his hot breath inside of his mouth, both of his beings finally with him. N'Jadaka will be here now when he wakes up, when he goes to sleep, he can talk to him whenever he wants to. He is here. He is with him. T'Challa finally has N'Jadaka by his side.

He feels his lips pull up into a wide, happy, and rollicking smile and presses N'Jadaka closer against himself. The other man grunts and rakes his teeth over T'Challa's lower lip. It's perfect.

They stand like this for a couple of minutes, but for T'Challa it feels like eternity. When they finally part and look at each other, the glinting inside N'Jadaka's eyes feels like the sun coming up after a troublesome night.

“We ain't through with this yet,” N'Jadaka promises.

T'Challa chuckles and grins at him happily. “I sure do hope not,” he says in return.

Behind them, Shuri gives a disgusted groan and mumbles something about scratching her eyes out.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DONE!! ^-^  
> Chapter 22-27 are new.  
> Now the fic is complete! :)
> 
> Thank you guys so much for reading! <3

**Author's Note:**

> I am always open to criticism, as long as it's not aggressively yelled at me in capslock.  
> Of course, I'm always open to incoherent praise in capslock, though :P  
> In short: Feedback of any kind is much appreciated ^-^


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